Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He? As in you personified your dick?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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