You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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