my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
