i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
