All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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