I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
