i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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