He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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