Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
