First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
