i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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