Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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