Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
