Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
