I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
