I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
