im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
