from now on my penis is your penis
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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