i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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