So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
