Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
