apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
