Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
