I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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