just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My penis needs a shock collar
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
