I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
