I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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