I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
