some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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