I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I still have a little drunk in my system
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
