FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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