You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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