TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i've created a new STD.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
