I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
