Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
