If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
