I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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