I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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