how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
