he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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