My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
