final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
