I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize
