He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
