Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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