ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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