I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
