yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
