If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
