i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
