when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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